I feel like a broken man. I’m genuinely afraid that I can’t be fixed again. I know at least some of what I have to do and I’m not doing it. I think about suicide all the time. What point is there left in living? I know what I have now isn’t a life and I don’t know if I’m capable of doing what it takes to live.
When you’re feeling like this, in some weird way, you’re in a privileged position to see the best and worst of people. There are people just looking to take advantage of you, and others who treat you like you don’t matter.
But I have come to find that there are so many kind people too. People that genuinely care for no other reason that they know you’re not doing okay. I’ve had people I’ve never met before offer me lunch because they know I’m not doing well. A beautiful girl (in every way) never misses an opportunity to check up on me and see how I’m doing. I have an ex girlfriend who keeps trying to motivate me. When people go out of their way like this to care about me when I feel so completely and utterly useless, it really inspires me to remember how beautiful the world is when we remember our humanity.
I wish I had been stronger in my life. Strong enough to still be good when people were doing me wrong. I know I’m better than to simply react and I wish I hadn’t.
I just want to say thank you to the kind people of the world. I hope someway, somehow, I find a way to make it up to you.