Even things that should make me happy aren’t anymore. I like blogging. I know I have few readers but I like it nonetheless. But it seems I’ve run out of things to write about.
I live in constant monotony. The happiest thing I have to say is that the bastards weren’t able to get me arrested for Christmas again.
I just wonder how much longer I can go on feeling this empty. Even women don’t really make me happy in the way it used to. What is the point in continuing on in a joyless life? I was never this bad. Ever. I should have known the moment they suddenly changed the job to a contract, when they had been claiming it was permanent position, that it wasn’t for me.
I’ve been through a lot of my. Not the least of which the suicide of my father and the hell that followed it. But in the end it was a stupid job, and stupid, judgemental and superficial people that broke me.
I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again. I mean of course we never are, life changes us, but I truly feel like I’ve lost the ability to be happy in any way.
I’m not the only one. I see lots of people like me. I think they just don’t think of death as an option but most of their lives are joyless anyway. They’re just okay with that. I’m definitely not. I know its not very masculine of me, but I want to be authentic and happy, otherwise there isn’t any reason to bother.
Would you live a joyless life if you were certain of your future?